hard to find and hard to get, originally uploaded by the notebook doodles.

i am continually facing this season of change.
i have come to terms with some things about myself
and have come to realize weaknesses in large areas of my life.
i have deficiencies in certain things that i’ve allowed to
run dry that i shouldn’t have.
i have given my whole heart to things that needed to not
even have a hand in it.

i’m in a process of evaluating where i keep investing my
heart and love. i’m trying to filter out the toxic and allow
myself to bring in the healthy. that means that some people
won’t have an in into my life anymore. so be it. i’ve done
what i could to rectify things and have bent over backwards
countless times. i was only put into a position where i had
to prove myself and run myself into the ground repeatedly
to achieve nothing other than to be made to believe i was
a bad person. i’m done with that. so, good riddance. i know
God will continue to bless your life. I just choose not to be
part of it any longer.

i’ve been learning to be comfortable in my own skin.
things i have come to terms with:
- i’m blunt and bold. shameless at times.
- i lack a filter. i’m kind of not sorry.
- i am not athletically inclined and the only sport i will watch it soccer.
- i like super heroes and nerdy things.
- i also know how to use tools/power tools and am in the process of filling a tool box.
- respect for people and things is a big deal.
- i tend to pour out and run myself dry. i also keep trying to run on empty only to realize it does have its consequences.
- i’m not vindictive or passive aggressive. i will be, however, if things persist after i confront the situation. repeatedly.
- i’m a homebody.
- i grew up a tomboy, so suck it if i’m not super girly.
- but i am in the process of domesticating myself
- dishes are a chore i enjoy. it’s sick, i know.

- i have terrible self-esteem and tend to beat myself up a lot.
- consideration and common courtesy should be taught all the time. i’ve come to terms with that.
- every time someone snores, i will wake up. i also will not be able to fall back asleep. so, with that, i apologize if i throw stuffed animals and pillows at you to wake you up and make you stop snoring.
- i’m still learning about myself.
- learning to be comfortable in my own skin is hard. especially at 21 since i’ve been forced to be what everyone else wanted of me for my whole life, so pardon if i seem a little off some days.

want to know a secret?
i’ve never been in love.

want to know another secret?
dating/relationships scare the living daylights out of me.

want to know something else?
i value friendships more than you know.

want to know something to top it all off?
i love you all more than you know.

i realized i get pretty open on here,
that i spill all like a glass of water tipped over.
it’s all on the floor and it looks like a big mess.
but, it’s just water.

anyway.

no, i’m not going to say i’m sorry.
i told myself and a few friends that i’m sick of walls.
i’m tired of people not being genuine and real.
raw and completely unfiltered;
acknowledging that we are all deeply flawed.

so.
i’m not sorry.
i’ll be real with you.
i’ll share my experiences and thoughts.
if you relate, then awesome.
if you don’t, then take something away from it…
maybe you’ll meet someone down the road who you
can help or be there for knowing that someone else
has been through it or… whatever.
i dunno.

i just know that i’m not sorry.
i’ll let my guard down, soften myself up, and be real with you.

it’s so easy to fall victim to one’s emotions running wildly
as if the world were just a large field to try and take over.
but emotions, although good, can be rather dangerous.
if one has no control over them, then it gets the best of them.

never act when you’re upset or overly happy.
never make promises unless you’re in a level headed state.
take a deep breath and think before doing.

anyway, i’ve had to do this little exercise this past year
that my counselor gave me called “thought stopping.”
i have the tendency to fall into these negative thought
spirals that paralyze me in the end. those stupid thoughts
have limited me from moving forward or whatever it is.
so, i’ve had to learn to stop and breathe for a second;
then ask me self, “really, is it true? is what i’m falling
victim to really true, or am i just thinking, over thinking?”
(que relient k song. i was trying to be quippy.)

i was proud of myself in my thought stopping yesterday!
i caught myself. it’s been such a battle. goodness gracious.
but, i won. stupid thought. i beat you. i know that a part of it
is the enemy trying to seep things into my day and thought
process to try and bring me down, but i’m resilient; i’m no
longer easily broken.

it’s been a silly thing. i’ve made a conscious choice to be
single. it’s a healthy thing for me. last year was because of
what i was learning to face and battle through. i was a hot mess
and needed to pull back in order to break myself down and
build myself back up. God gave me the tools and opportunities
and i used them.

my reason for being single right now is my desire
to re-establish my identity in Christ and to be firmly rooted in that.
i want to be unshakable, i want my faith to be unwavering.
i want to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and nothing less.
i also need to be in a space where i can think and breath.
clearly. without a toxic environment.
so, my being single is out of my choice, and until God
tells me i’m ready or shows me He’s ready to share me,
i’d say just expect my friendship. i’ll be a good one :]

but anyway, back to yesterday and my thought stopping success.
some guys that i’ve “seen” in the past now have new lady interests
or are in relationships. don’t get me wrong. i’m really happy for them.
they’re wonderful people and deserve wonderful things, but my stupid
brain (and the enemy) wanted to bring me down by planting
thought in my head like,
“see? you weren’t worth it, they didn’t do half those things
with you or for you. they’re putting in so much effort into these
girls, but didn’t do it for you. why do you think that is?”

…stupid, right? clearly it wasn’t mean to be and i know that. yeah, it sucks seeing it and i almost threw myself a pity party, but then
i realized…NO. shut up, satan. i am being rebuilt by the Lord, i
am being broken down to be re-shaped into who He wants me to
be and He can be as selfish as He wants with me. He wants me to
be my best before He brings someone else to share that with.

in november i told my younglife kids the
reader’s digest version of my life story.
mainly the part where i was in high school
and took a huge look at my past and how
i grew up; how it was void of love&then some
as well as all the things God was “supposed” to be.

and i turned my back on Him.

wayyy back on Him. i was angry. upset. confused.
the whole gamut. who could blame me, though?
i faced an ugly reality head on, didn’t like what i saw
only to make a decision that supported those feelings.

and i challenged God.

i said to Him, “if you’re SO FLIPPING LOVING..”
(except i was a little more profane, the angsty
teenager i was)
“PROVE THAT YOU LOVE ME. APPARENTLY
I’M UNLOVEABLE. SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME,
BECAUSE MY FAMILY SURE AS HELL DOESN’T.”
and that’s what i said.
you’d probably say it, too, if your mom abused you
and wouldn’t acknowledge it. would call you delusional
and a pathological liar. well, i won’t go on because
it gets nasty and that doesn’t need to be on here.
my dad was absent since his job had (has) him traveling
twice a month.
yeah. they liked my sibling more. he wasn’t trouble
and met/fulfilled/exceeded their expectations.
i was the hot, problemed mess who liked to
do exactly what she shouldn’t, or rather,
liked to do exactly the opposite of what was
expected of her. i was raised going to church
and behind those closed doors was exactly
the opposite of what i learned every sunday.
so, i turned my back oh Him, and posed a
challenge. it was ballsy, but i did it.

i was broken a million times over. i had a heart
left in a million minuscule pieces waiting for
someone to repair it. it was impossible for me to
even try. so, i challenged God.

and God responded.

into my life He placed a family. an older man,
a woman, and their three kids. their son who
was the eldest, a middle daughter, and the youngest
daughter. probably the three most loving people
i’ve ever come across in my life. also, and ironically,
(you’re funny, God… real funny) the strongest
Christians i’ve ever met. they face adversity boldly
and come out stronger in the end.

this family was different to me. i befriended their
younger daughter through CYT and we loved
spending time together. the first time i visited their
house i was told of their rules:
1) there is an open door policy. (i was welcome ANYTIME. wow.)
2) if i ever wanted to use electronics, i needed to read the
Bible for 15 minutes before i even THOUGHT about it.
3) if i had a meal with the family, i would partake in the prayer.
4) if i ever went out in the evening with one of their kids, we
would pray before we left.
5) i would need to openly accept that they were going to pray for me
all the time
and
6) they were going to love me no matter what i did, what i said,
how many tears i cry, how broken i was, etc.
that blew my mind. at the time it was a harsh thing to accept.
i was being forced to immerse myself on what i had turned
my back on, but i was being loved more than i had ever
experienced before.
they took me in as one of their own, have wiped countless tears
of mine, listened to me when no one else would, etc.
through their love and their mom’s investing time in my life,
i found God again, but in the light that He needed to be seen in,
in the light that showed me who He really was.
a family took me in as one of their own and loved me when i thought
i was unlovable.

so, i learned to be broken, how to love the broken, how to show
the broken that they’re AMAZING. i told my kids that. i know how
to be broken, because being broken makes me resilient and
that resilience is granted to me because God consistently makes
me stronger. i’m not afraid to face storms head on, and i’m not
afraid to love people harder just because they may push me
away the first few times just to see if i’ll stick around; because
i will.

so, i was created to love people. the broken, the broken hearted,
the singed/burned/hurt, the “damaged goods”, and then even
more beyond that.

because God blessed me with an incredible amount of empathy
and a willingness to love and reach out to many.

it’s funny how God has worked in my life.
He’s done so many things and granted, i don’t realize it till later
(because i’m oblivious) but hey, at least i get it…
at some point.

and that family? they’re still my second family.
i spent thanksgiving and christmas with them.
they gave me a house key…haha.
they’ve seen me through my awkward phases,
my bold phases, and then some.
they love me nonetheless.
and i love them more than you’d know.

and i love you more than words can say.

and now, i will attempt to motivate myself to keep on packing.
i’m starting a new chapter of life a week from this coming
saturday and i couldn’t be more nervous and excited.

God has amazing things in store, i have no doubt about that.

true that, picture.

i’m sicky pants. i think i swalled fireballs in my sleep while having a screaming contest with a yeti.

so, i have a sore throat that le sucks and no voice.

oh well. haha.

pray for a speedy recovery.

in three days the Lord blessed me immensely. I went from having open-ended ambitions and no drive to having a new opportunity completely be dropped into my lap.

Sunday I visited Moment Church, a church where many of my friends are members of out in orange county. That same day I was asked if I would be ready and willing to move out in January and if I wanted to potentially take a spot in an apartment with these beautiful women of God whom I am honored to call friends and sisters. They’re beautiful inside and out. My initial thought to that offer was, “are you crazy? you KNOW I want to move to Atlanta.” as the day continued on and I continued spending time with my lovely ladies, I played with the idea in my head. The Bible says to honor thy mother and father. My dad has asked me time and time again to take a baby step in moving out; to move somewhere that is a little closer to home just in case anything were to happen. I also thought about this long (almost a year long) healing process that I’ve been in… of facing my past, fighting the present, and moving forward (in a healthy way) into the future ready and willing to embrace all that God has out there for me. These girls have taken the steps with me this past year, have listened to me make little to no sense, have listened to me outwardly process all the things I’ve worked on with my counselor, have comforted me when I’ve been belittled by my family… they’ve been there. What better way to keep healing than in the presence of these women that know me, know what I’ve been dealing with, and know how to love me? So I talked to the friend that I’d be sharing a room with and she told me to pray about it and that she’d pray, too. I got a text message that night asking me if I was sure about moving out. I responded with, “as long as I can find a store to transfer to, then yes. yes, I’m sure.”

Monday came all too quickly. I did my routine of *trying* to sleep in past 6am, practicing songs for my voice lessons, running a few errands, then jetting off to see my lovely voice teacher Rachel. After my lesson I got a phone call from the girl whose room I’d be taking. We talked numbers and I found it surprisingly affordable. I told her I was figuring out my work situation but would keep her in the loop as soon as I got an answer. I prayed loudly on my drive home from my lesson and I decided I’d challenge God. I told Him, “If this is YOUR will, if You want this to happen, make it happen. I can’t have subtle things occur so my oblivious self will miss them, I need big, blatant, and completely unmistakable signs. I’m trusting You, God. I know You’ve got me and are protecting me, but again, if this is YOUR will, make it happen. I’m ready to take whatever leap you want me to take.” I got home and looked up stores to transfer to that were near where I was going to potentially live. The first three stores were over-straffed, but offered to send e-mails to their DM to help me find a place to work. I then took a chance and called my ideal store. 0.1 miles away from where I would be living. I could walk there. The manager seemed intrigued, but shot me with a whole battery of questions I didn’t have the answer to. All I could do was assure him that I would be a hard-worker, completely driven to give Legendary Service toevery customer that came in through the doors, and would be a QASA nazi. He told me he was going to call my manager that day, but I had to tell him to hold off until I got to talk to her first. So off I went to my store and told her what was going on. She asked if everything was ok. I told her that yes they were… well, kind of. I was going to be moving provided that I found a store to transfer to. I’ve come to love my manager and her semi-neuroticness. She only wants the best out of us knowing that we’re 100% capable of giving it, but haven’t ever really tapped into it, or haven’t been pushed to that expectation. She’s awesome. I’ll miss her a ton. She told me she was going to do everything in her power to get me placed at a good store with the hours I needed. With all that said, I went and hung out with my dear friend Andessa that night and just enjoyed the night with some good music.

Tuesday I met up with my lovely Jillian and filled her in on the happenings. We drove to LAX to see our friend Christy and greet her upon her arrival in the states after doing a 6-month DTS for YWAM in Newcastle, Australia. (I’m so proud of her!) While we were lunching at In-N-Out, I received a text from my manager telling me she talked to the manager from the store I had called the day prior. She told me she gave him a rave review and that he was to call me later that day. 5 minutes later I get a phone call from the manager at my possibly new store. He told me he was excited to take me on and wanted to know when I could start. HELLO!!!! In 3 days?! I have a new church, a new place to live, and a new store. WHAT THE HECK, GOD!! I was over the moon. Thinking about it overwhelms me with so much joy. I mean, seriously. In 3 days. I took a leap of faith and challenged God, and in turn God said “ok, challenge accepted. WATCH THIS.” and BAM. There it is.

So, a week from last Tuesday, I go to sign my lease.

I’m excited for this new year, this new opportunity, and the many other doors I know God has ready and waiting to open up for me at the right time, in His time. After areally rough year, God is showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. Dark is the way, light is the place.

I trusted Him all year, He’s made me stronger. I have my good and bad days, but He’s been the only one I could rely on.

I’m so excited.

i love affirming people.
i love encouraging people.
i love pointing out the things i see in them
that sometimes they can’t see themselves.

i don’t like to suck up to people or butter
people up.

but, i like to see what they can’t see in themselves.
so many people aren’t told how wonderful they are,
how strong they are, or how smart they are.
they don’t know that.

but i like to point it out.
because i think you should know the characteristics
God has given you.

i feel like if i see this person, you should know
what i see. you have the right to know who you are.
and even when you’re in that negative rut, i’d love to
sit there and tell you how amazing you are, even if it
makes you cry.

i’ll stick by your side.
i won’t leave.
abandonment isn’t something i’m too keen on.
i’ll help hold you up when you’re down.
i’ll help carry your burden when you feel like
it’s crushing you.
i’ll care about you even when you feel like you’re alone.

because God created me to love.
to love those who feel unloveable… because i felt that way once.
i was trained to think that with the way i grew up.
but God gave me a heart to love.
i’ll love the ones that are hard to love,
i’ll love the insecure, i’ll love the ones with “issues” and “baggage”
i’ll love the ones that give the illusion that they’re ok,
i’ll love the ones that even are ok.
i’ll just love you as you.
all of you. not just bits and pieces of you.

i wish people knew how much i loved them
and how much i was willing to do anything for them
and how much they meant to me.

i feel like my words don’t ever express it enough.